英文文選_Chapter 1 @ 空大小熊

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Chapter 1

For Your Laughter ( I ) -- Crazy Drivers ( I )

For Your Laughter(1) -Crazy Driver(I)

The Following stories of crazy drivers are reportedly //to be true. Be careful.

下列瘋狂駕駛的故事據說是真實的故事，小心駕駛

Parking a Car

On October 13 1993,// a British woman tried //to park her car //into a curbside space,// measured at 19.36m,// equivalent //to three standard parking spaces.

She [started the maneuver at 11.15 a.m.] and [successfully parked her car //within three feet //of the pavement],// (eight hours) and (fourteen minutes later).

There were a few misfortunes,// of course,// considering the long duration //of such a maneuver.

The casualties included: damages //to (the bumpers) and (wings //of her own car) and (two cars happened //to sit near by), (shop frontage), and yes, (two lampposts).

On April 2, 1987, //a British doctor drove a Saab 900, //with her hand brake on, //for 313 miles (500 kilometers).

Only two miles into her journey// the doctor smelled something burning.

But she pressed on,// with smoke billowing //from the rear wheels.

In addition, //[the right turn signal was flashing] and [the choke was fully out //during the whole journey].

Know Thy Car

An elderly woman went //for a shopping //in a mall.

Upon returning to the parking lot, she found four males //sitting in her car.

She (dropped her shopping bags) and (drew a handgun //from her purse).

She [raised her gun] and [screamed //at the top //of her voice].

Do you see [what I am holding //in my hand]? I know [how to shoot]. Now,// you get out //of my car, //punks! The four men didn’t wait around //for a second instruction. They (got out) and (ran //like hell).

The lady then (packed her gun),// (loaded her shopping bags //into the trunk) and (got into the driver’s seat).

But she just could not start the car: her key wouldn’t fit into the ignition.

Finally she found out [that her own car was parked(four) or (five spaces away), //which was identical //to this one. She (loaded her bags //into her car) and (drove //to the police station).

Inside the police station, four pale white males were reporting a car-jacking //by a mad elderly white woman. The police sergeant nearly tore himself //in two //with laughter.(12_14更正後males)

No charges were filed.

Are You Blind (I)

Two Tennessee people decide //to go //for a ride //after [they were drunk late //in the night].

The blind person asked the owner //of the BMW //to let him drive it,// because , //he figured, /he knew his own road well enough //to drive //with his friend’s help.

So they (put the top //of the BMW convertible down) and (went for a spin //in the rain).

Spin (they did).

The BMW (missed a sharp left curve) and (smashed into a tree).

[The driver, blind //since age six, //broke his arm] and [the owner had a shattered leg].

Both were fined //for driving under influence. The driver later told the Tennessee Highway Patrol troopers //to ‘ never let a blind drive.”

Are You Blind (II)

A senior citizen was driving home //after work //when his cell phone rang.

It was his wife //on the phone.

She said,” Listen,” Listen, I just heard on the TV //[that there was acar //driving the wrong way //on the interstate highway]. You be careful.”

The elderly man answered, //It’s not just one car, dear,// it’s hundreds!”

Are You Blind (III)

Not too long ago, //the state of Georgia produced a tape //for blind people.

It is the audio version //of a book published //by the Dept. of Transportation //of the state //of Georgia.

The title of the book-//The Georgia motorcycle operators’ manual.

[What do you think]is the purpose //of this audio tape?

I Dare You ( Speed Enforcement, Mongolia-Style)

In Mongolia,// the police invented a creative way //to stop speeding.

When a driver is speeding,// sirens along the main street will go off.

(Customers) or (pedestrians) //along the street {will just pick up (old boxes) and (furniture),// set specifically //by (the shopkeepers) and (caf owners)}, and {throw them //at (the offending driver) and (his passengers)}.

They will eventually be (pulled //from the vehicle) and (covered //in camel dung).

For nine years no one has ever tried speeding again.

過去九年來再也沒有汽車駕駛人敢嘗試超速

Speeding Ticket of a Different Kind

不同種類的速度罰單。Speeding ticket 超速罰單

Sometime in 1998,// a retired British senior citizen lost his license //for driving too slowly //on a country road.

Police saw Douglas Illingworth, //aged 83, //traveling //at 1 mph //with a long trail //of cars behind him //on the A61 country road, //near the city //of Barnsley.

Barnsley magistrates (barred him //from driving //for a year), //(gave him a conditional discharge) and (ordered //to take an eye test).

Are You Insured?

Sometime ago //in St. Louis, a car hit a bus //carrying 5 passengers.

By the time //the police arrived //on the scene, there were 14 //more people //on the bus,// all complaining //about (whiplash injuries) and (back pain).